When Your Job Hijacks Your Identity
by Madison Utendahl
"What Do You Do?"—A Social Trap
I've tangled with burnout three times, and each round has blindsided me, manifesting in different forms with varying intensities and symptoms. My latest bout as a solo entrepreneur was the most surprising. Instead of the usual misery, crash-and-burn anxiety, and overwhelming physical symptoms, I was happy…yet still found myself debilitated by relentless brain fog. Desperate, I clung to every self-help resource I could find. Books, podcasts, coaches, supplements, meditation classes, gurus — anything that promised a solution. I blamed COVID, egg-freezing hormones, my mother, everything but acknowledging that somehow I had ended up in the Burnout trap…AGAIN. For a while, changing my company policies to ones dedicated to preventing burnout felt like a solution. But then the familiar fatigue crept back, the crushing apathy. Brain fog was no longer the only symptom. This time there was no boss to blame, no toxic workplace to escape. The responsibility fell squarely on me, making the burnout feel even more inexplicable. It forced that terrifying question: Why the fuck does this keep happening?! Why, no matter what I try to change, do I still keep sacrificing everything for my career?...And if I have no career…then WHO AM I?”
WHEN WORK STEALS WHO YOU ARE
The idea of a job stealing your identity might sound melodramatic. But when every waking moment revolves around spreadsheets, deadlines, managing a team, and client calls, what space is left for the real "you"? It's not a deliberate choice; we don't wake up one day and decide to become our jobs. It's a slow creep, where we start measuring ourselves solely by professional success. That leaves no room for anything else – hobbies, relationships, even basic self-care. Work consumes our lives, and that relentless cycle is burnout's favorite breeding ground.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say, Creatives have it particularly rough. We’re enmeshed. We're told from a young age that being an artist means becoming one with our work. It's more than just a buzzword, it's the kind of Burnout that feels deeply personal. This doesn't mean just working hard – it means tying our very existence to our output. Every rejection feels like a personal failing, every success an addictive high. I am guilty of falling prey to this narrative; the line between my passion and my personhood has been blurred my entire life.
THE "WHAT DO YOU DO?" NIGHTMARE
I’ve come to believe that there are two reasons why I and so many others keep recreating the same Burnout-cycle. A large part of it has to do with the most commonly asked American question: "What do you do?" Socially, it's harmless small talk, but it digs deep….It’s fucking annoying, and most importantly, it’s irrelevant to who we really are.
It's this very question that reinforces the damaging belief that our job title equals our value as a person.
Have a rough month at work? It's easy to internalize that as I'm not good enough. “Dedicated to your job” easily becomes total enmeshment. Some might argue enmeshment is a choice (I know, major eye roll), and in some cases it is. Most often it’s a product of unlearned lessons, and a symptom of American work culture. It's far more than just stress. It's a profound overwhelm that seeps into every aspect of life, a suffocating fog of confusion, irritation, and loneliness. Physical pain, unexplainable illness – these can all be symptoms of enmeshment. It doesn't just linger at the office; it lurks in the shadows of our personal lives, poisoning our relationships and leisure time. The reality is, our enmeshment is not entirely our fault. It's a symptom of a systemic work culture that glorifies hustle and devalues personal care. How we “work” has become a pervasive, unsustainable crisis- even, dare I say,an epidemic. And while that may sound inescapable, there is a very real path of recovery that awaits. I know this to be true because I found it.
BREAKING FREE AND FINDING THE WAY FORWARD
Burnout is the symptom of an identity crisis and requires a hard reset. It means a confrontation of the uncomfortable truth that something has to change. We can't just "fix" burnout and get back to that relentless grind. True recovery means redefining who you are, your relationship with work…not just changing your job. This looks different for everyone. Maybe it's a shift in career path, learning to say no to your boss, or maybe it's rediscovering those lost parts of yourself that bring joy and meaning outside of traditional measures of success. It won't be an overnight fix, and the answers are deeply personal. But one thing is certain: escaping this cycle of burnout and enmeshment means valuing ourselves as people, not just employees. It means demanding a world where work enriches our lives, not consumes them.
Since going on the journey of self-discovery, I can confidently say that I’ve never been more connected to myself and who I actually am without a company or a job title. Distancing my identity from my work and output has been the key to rediscovering my passion for writing being one of them! The courage to launch this Substack is exemplary of this awareness. I have reconnected with the activities that truly spark joy for me, the ones that fuel my intrinsic motivation. And as a result, it has fostered a sense of self-confidence that goes far beyond external validation. It’s a natural sense of creating a boundary with work that allows me to say NO to Burnout.
Want to say GOODBYE to Burnout? Do the work to connect with who you really are. To facilitate this introspection and help you begin the process of untangling your identity from your job, I've developed a questionnaire. This tool is designed to help you critically assess the extent of your enmeshment with your work and encourage you to reconnect with the aspects of your life that bring you genuine passion and joy.
So take a moment, fill out the questionnaire, and let’s start peeling back the layers. Who knows what you might discover? Maybe there’s a whole side of you just waiting to break free from the inbox. Here’s to finding and celebrating that person.
THE "WHO AM I REALLY?" QUESTIONNAIRE
Rate these statements from 1 (Strongly Disagree) to 5 (Strongly Agree). Let’s see where you stand:
On a scale of 1 to 5, rate each statement, with 1 being strongly disagree and 5 being strongly agree.
My job is the first thing I mention when someone asks me about myself.
1 (Strongly Disagree)
2 (Disagree)
3 (Neutral)
4 (Agree)
5 (Strongly Agree)
I feel lost thinking about who I am without my work.
1 (Strongly Disagree)
2 (Disagree)
3 (Neutral)
4 (Agree)
5 (Strongly Agree)
The majority of my friendships are tied directly to my job.
1 (Strongly Disagree)
2 (Disagree)
3 (Neutral)
4 (Agree)
5 (Strongly Agree)
I often skip personal activities to prioritize work tasks.
1 (Strongly Disagree)
2 (Disagree)
3 (Neutral)
4 (Agree)
5 (Strongly Agree)
I think about work even during my downtime.
1 (Strongly Disagree)
2 (Disagree)
3 (Neutral)
4 (Agree)
5 (Strongly Agree)
Personal achievements feel less significant than professional ones.
1 (Strongly Disagree)
2 (Disagree)
3 (Neutral)
4 (Agree)
5 (Strongly Agree)
I struggle to name hobbies or interests that don't relate to my career.
1 (Strongly Disagree)
2 (Disagree)
3 (Neutral)
4 (Agree)
5 (Strongly Agree)
When I achieve a professional milestone, it significantly impacts my sense of self-worth.
1 (Strongly Disagree)
2 (Disagree)
3 (Neutral)
4 (Agree)
5 (Strongly Agree)
I often struggle to disconnect from work-related thoughts, even during leisure activities.
1 (Strongly Disagree)
2 (Disagree)
3 (Neutral)
4 (Agree)
5 (Strongly Agree)
The thought of taking an extended break from work fills me with anxiety or guilt.
1 (Strongly Disagree)
2 (Disagree)
3 (Neutral)
4 (Agree)
5 (Strongly Agree)
Results Scorecard:
10-20 Points: You have a healthy balance between work and personal identity.
21-30 Points: Your job may be playing a significant role in shaping your identity. Consider exploring activities and interests outside of work.
31-40 Points: Your work appears to heavily influence your sense of self. It may be beneficial to reassess your priorities and find ways to cultivate a more balanced lifestyle.
41-50 Points: Your job seems to dominate your identity, potentially leading to burnout. It's essential to take steps to redefine your sense of self and create boundaries between work and personal life.
After completing this questionnaire, remember that your identity is multifaceted and extends far beyond your job title. This questionnaire is to be taken lightly. Embrace the journey of self-discovery and prioritize activities that bring you joy and fulfillment outside of work.