Are We Too Tired to Date?
Modern Dating Feels Hopeless—So Why Do We Still Believe in Love?
A few weeks ago, I was having drinks with a girlfriend when I casually asked how her dating life was going. She sighed, barely lifting her head from her wine glass, and said, “Girl, I’m honestly too tired to date right now.” That set a light bulb off in my head. She kept going—“I’m so exhausted. The world. Winter. Online dating. I just don’t have it in me.” It wasn’t about a lack of interest or even a bad experience—it was pure, unfiltered exhaustion.
And honestly? I get it. I’m married, so I’m not in the trenches of dating anymore, but I haven’t forgotten what it was like. And when I look at what dating has become today, I don’t blame anyone for feeling drained. If anything, I completely understand why people are choosing to sit this one out. The landscape has changed—more dating apps, more options, more access—but more doesn’t always mean better. It often just means more work.
Right now, there are over 1,500 dating apps and sites globally, each promising to make finding love easier. But for many, they’ve done the opposite. A 2023 Pew Research study found that over 60% of online daters say their experience has been frustrating, with nearly half of young adults reporting burnout from dating apps. The paradox is glaring: in a time when connection should be easier than ever, why does it feel so impossible?
I think part of the issue is that dating apps have turned love into a capitalistic numbers game. Swiping, matching, chatting, planning—it’s become another system to optimize, another thing to manage, another space where people feel they have to present the best, most curated version of themselves. And that’s exhausting. Dating used to be something that happened in life—through mutual friends, at a party, at work, through community. Now, it’s a task to be slotted between an already packed schedule.
And here’s what I hear from my single friends all the time: they don’t want dating to feel like a second job, but that’s exactly what it’s become. The idea of swiping through a sea of strangers after an already draining day just feels… impossible. And when you mix in the emotional labor of modern dating—ghosting, benching, and the sheer mental gymnastics of trying to read a random person’s level of interest—it’s no wonder so many people feel like dating demands more effort than they have left to give.
So what do we (the culture) do about it?
I won’t sit here and pretend I have the perfect answer. I won’t act like just “putting yourself out there” is some magical fix. But I do know this:
Two things can exist at once: The search for modern love can be exhausting, AND real love—deep, solid, steady love—will not drain you. It will fill you.
The right kind of love and person will not feel like another box to check off your to-do list; it will feel like coming home. The right kind of love will give you hope when the world feels impossibly dark, whether it’s the dead of winter or another Trump presidency. It will remind you why we keep going, why we fight for joy, why we push through the pain to create a life worth living.
I say this in no braggadocious way—I experience this type of love. If it can be real for me, it 100% can be real for you.
I met my husband in a phase of my life where I had zero energy or enthusiasm to date. I dreaded the idea of putting myself out there; it felt both impossible and like something I simply couldn’t muster. But then one “hopeless” day, when I couldn’t stop complaining about dating, my friend Tembe said to me:
“Even when it feels exhausting, you still get to try. But first, you have to believe—fully, not just in theory—that love is real, that it’s possible, and that you are absolutely worthy of it.”
I took that feedback to heart.
She Was Right
I’ve come to understand that love is one of the truest antidotes to burnout. Because love—when it’s real—doesn’t drain you; it motivates you. It’s not another task to manage or a performance to perfect. It’s a reminder that even in exhaustion, connection is still worth seeking.
Maybe finding love in the age of burnout isn’t about forcing it but about trusting it—trusting that it exists beyond apps and strategy, that it isn’t something you earn after you’ve fixed yourself, but something you’re already worthy of.
So instead of asking how to date in an exhausting world, maybe the better question is why?
Why do we still believe in love when the odds feel stacked against us?
Why do we keep showing up—to the first dates, the awkward small talk, the uncertainty? Why do we still desire love, even when the search for it feels like another thing demanding our energy?
Because deep down, we know this to be true: Nothing feels more safe and freeing than love that is steady, kind, and real.
Yes, it won’t erase exhaustion or eliminate struggle, but it will remind you that, you as are, in all forms, are more than enough.
And that’s what I told my friend over drinks, and it’s what I’ll tell you….If dating feels exhausting right now, that’s more than okay. Just remember, the right person is out there. And maybe the way forward isn’t quitting dating but reclaiming—choosing to date in a way that feels right for you, not the way the system demands. Because love—real love—doesn’t wait for the “perfect” moment; it happens in the middle of real life. And when the timing is right—whether that’s this spring, next year, or in a moment you never saw coming—you won’t have to force it. You’ll just have to choose it.
Keep the faith.
“I have learned not to worry about love; but to honor its coming with all my heart.” — Alice Walker
Sources:
Turkle, S. (2017). Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other. Basic Books.
Pew Research Center. (2023). The State of Online Dating in America: How Young Adults Experience Dating Apps.Retrieved from www.pewresearch.org